My family is a bit dysfunctional. I guess in today’s world it is hard to find a family without some dysfunction. Our dysfunction comes in the forms of divorce, codependency, drug abuse, and a myriad of other problems. I am lucky to be, for lack of a better term, “collateral damage”. In other words, I am effected by the dysfunction by merely having familial relationships with the individuals who struggle with their own demons, but I do not struggle with such pervasive demons myself.
Due to the demons that my family members face, I have had quite a bit of extra responsibility this past year. I have been charged with the care of my 3 youngest siblings (with the help of my grandmother). It has been an eye-opening experience. I have learned things that I know will be valuable as I continue in my own path.
The problem comes now as I am preparing to return my siblings to their parents’ care. These sweet kids have become like my own. I wake up and get them breakfast, bring them to school, rejoice in their successes with them, and feel the pain of their failures. I have learned what other parents mean when they say that handing out consequences for their children’s actions is harder on them, as parents, than it is on the children. I love these kids more than I knew I could.
So, as I was packing all of their things and my car, I had to fight back tears. I can’t let them see my cry because I don’t want them to feel bad or like they have anything to do with my despair. I have to be strong for them. It is when I have time alone, away from them that the tears come. It feels like a part of me is being ripped from me.
There is a part of me that is excited at the prospect of living my young adult life without having to worry about finding someone to watch the kids. I will no longer be the chauffeur carting them to their school and extracurricular activities. I can have a social life that involves other young single adults instead of my “mommy friends”.
There is another part of me that will miss the noise that I hear coming from another room and the fear that someone has broken something. I will worry for their wellbeing everyday. I will hope that they know how much I love them, and that I have not given up on them. I will pray for them daily.
What I am taking from this experience is that I need to be ok knowing that I have done all that I could do. I have given all that I was able. Now, I have to hope that the love and stability that my siblings had while they were in my care was enough to get them through any rough times that are ahead. I have to find comfort in the knowledge that I cannot change the behavior of anyone else. I can only control how I react to others. So, I will be here for my siblings when they need me. I will love them unconditionally, and I will be a safe place for them if they need it.
Finding Peace in the Chaos 