In today’s society, we find a lot more families that do not fit the 1950’s sitcom mold. My family is one of those. From the time I was a toddler, I lived with my maternal grandmother. I don’t remember life before that. My parents were both very young when I came into this world, and I know that I would not have been afforded many of the opportunities I have if I had stayed with them.
There are, of course, struggles that come with a broken home. For me, one of the biggest struggles has been defining my relationship with my biological mother. There are many factors that play into this dynamic.
One thing that complicates this relationship is the bond that I have formed with my grandmother. Because I did not have much of a relationship, if any, with my mother growing up, my grandmother became the maternal figure in my life. In my eyes, my grandmother is my mom. She is the one who was there through everything. She earned that spot in my life. She was the only one I knew would always be there.
That mother-daughter bond that has formed between my grandmother and I makes things even more complicated. Now, my biological mother and I are, in some ways, on the same plane. By that I mean that we are a bit more like siblings than mother and daughter. So, I have often seen times that my mother seems to be trying to outdo me or prove that she is better in some way. She is still seeking that approval from her mother, and she is seeking respect from me.
The choices that my mother has made in her life are the hardest thing for me to overcome. I have spent most of my life wanting to be nothing like my mother. I get frustrated when I am compared ti her in any way. I know that I have not, and I will not make the same mistakes that she has. I am her biological daughter. This means that I have part of her in me, but it does not mean that I will become her. Her choices have hurt me and many others around her.
I am slowly coming to realize that it is possible to forgive her without letting her hurt or effect me any more. Forgiving someone does not mean that you have to continue to let them into your life. You know what is best for you. If a relationship is toxic, remove it from your life. It is a delicate situation. There will always be a connection between my mother and I because she is my mother. Part of me will always want to make her proud of me, but I need to take control of my life. I will always love her, but I will not allow her to control me in any way anymore.
So, for me, it is possible to forgive without forgetting. I am allowed to remember the things I have learned from the struggles I have had, but I do not have to live with the burden. I cannot control what others do. I cannot expect them to change, but I can control my end of the relationship. When it gets to the point where I am willing to do what needs to be done, but the other person has demonstrated that they are not, I am allowed to say, “I am done.”
Although broken families cannot all be mended, each and every one of us has the right to be happy. Sometimes getting there means making some tough decisions, but everything happens for a reason.
Finding Peace in the Chaos 