The Preemptive Bubble Burst

Wow, it has been way too long since I have posted! Sorry about that. I will try to be more frequent with my posts going forward.

Anyway. . .

I posted a while ago about allowing ourselves to be happy and, in another post, about the ebb and flow of life. This is along the same lines with a little bit of a different flavor.

For those who do or have struggled with mental health the possiblitly of resurfacing problems is all too real. If only everyone struggling with their mental health could be assured that, “once you get over this hump, it’s smooth sailing.” Unfortunately for many or most, this is not the case. Getting through one rough time is an accomplishment and should be acknowledged; you should be proud of yourself for working your butt off to get there! But, as has been reinforced in my life, that is just one of the twists in life. There may be some who are able to get through that hump and never look back. I am happy for you, and that does not diminish the work you put in to get where you are. Others, like me, may find themselves in that familiar hole more than once, and that does not mean that the work you put in to get out of the last hole is any better or worse than anyone else. If you’re working to be a better version of yourself, you’re amazing, and I applaud you! Keep going.

Having the rug being pulled out from under me by my emotions (more than once) and my desire to control things in my life present a problem. The first time I came through a period of depression, I felt like I was going to go forth and conquer the world (school). When that bubble burst, I lost a little bit of hope. In my mind, I had gotten through it, and I was going to move on, not looking back. When I fell back into my dark hole, I made myself comfortable there. I did not want to allow myself to feel good again just to have that taken away again. If my happiness was going to be taken, I was going to control when that happened! Somehow, in my head, that equated to “you can’t let yourself feel good because then it can be taken away again.” I made sure to burst my own bubble before anything/anyone else could. So, I would go through my days and work really hard to ignore the good things. I focused my attention on the negative and made sure to ruminate on that. If anyone wants to be miserable, that is a great way to start.

I’ve realized that our live are made of a lot of small moments. Not every moment is going to be great or even good. That doesn’t mean that our lives are bad or we deserve to be perpetually unhappy. I would venture to say that rarely, if ever, will you have a day in which nothing good happens. Now, if my definition of good is some unattainable standard like winning the lottery, then I need to redefine “good”. Sometimes, good is something as simple as finding a low price for gas (which happens all the time right now!) or, on really hard days, good can be as small as having the courage/determination to get out of bed. If I add up all the little “goods” in my day, I can see that it’s not so bad.

So, now that I am focusing on the “goods” in my days, I think I am less likely to burst my own bubble. If I find myself in that familiar hole again, I guess I will just work my butt off to get out and keep moving. I say that like this is easy, but I know it’s much easier said than done. As I teeter on the edge of my hole, I am still scared to let things be “good”, but I know I have to try.

Self-Sabotage

Are we sabotaging ourselves without even knowing it? Psychology today says, “Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems and interferes with long-standing goals. The most common self-sabotaging behaviors are procrastination, self-medication with drugs or alcohol, comfort eating in the face of weight concerns, and self-injury such as cutting. These acts may seem helpful in the moment, but ultimately undermine us, especially when we engage in them repeatedly.” These are just some examples our self-sabotage. I am convinced that many of these sabotaging behaviors are not obvious to us or those around us.

The other day, I was looking at my plans for schooling. I have planned a certain number of credit hours next semester and accepted a position as a coordinator in the service activities office at the university. There are so many times when I question whether I will be able to accomplish the things I want to academically. Looking at my plans for next semester, I had an “Aha!” moment. I realized that I am setting myself up for failure. I know that I will struggle to handle all the things I have planned for next semester. Realizing this made me look at other areas of my life. Have I been setting myself up to realize my fears in multiple areas of my life?

I think the first step in ending self-sabotage is recognizing the habits that are the culprits. I think another key is creating a positive self-image to combat the fears that drive the self-sabotage. We have to stop thinking that we can’t and start believing that we can. This doesn’t mean creating grandiose ideas that cannot be realized. This means combatting negative self-talk with the truth. Most of the negative feelings and thoughts we have are not based in truth. Thoughts like, “I am never going to succeed,” are based in insecurities and fear not truth. I know I have work to do in this area, but I also know that I am going in the right direction.