I Do Not Know How I Feel About This. . .

My family is a bit dysfunctional. I guess in today’s world it is hard to find a family without some dysfunction. Our dysfunction comes in the forms of divorce, codependency, drug abuse, and a myriad of other problems. I am lucky to be, for lack of a better term, “collateral damage”. In other words, I am effected by the dysfunction by merely having familial relationships with the individuals who struggle with their own demons, but I do not struggle with such pervasive demons myself.

Due to the demons that my family members face, I have had quite a bit of extra responsibility this past year. I have been charged with the care of my 3 youngest siblings (with the help of my grandmother). It has been an eye-opening experience. I have learned things that I know will be valuable as I continue in my own path.

The problem comes now as I am preparing to return my siblings to their parents’ care. These sweet kids have become like my own. I wake up and get them breakfast, bring them to school, rejoice in their successes with them, and feel the pain of their failures. I have learned what other parents mean when they say that handing out consequences for their children’s actions is harder on them, as parents, than it is on the children. I love these kids more than I knew I could.

So, as I was packing all of their things and my car, I had to fight back tears. I can’t let them see my cry because I don’t want them to feel bad or like they have anything to do with my despair. I have to be strong for them. It is when I have time alone, away from them that the tears come. It feels like a part of me is being ripped from me.

There is a part of me that is excited at the prospect of living my young adult life without having to worry about finding someone to watch the kids. I will no longer be the chauffeur carting them to their school and extracurricular activities. I can have a social life that involves other young single adults instead of my “mommy friends”.

There is another part of me that will miss the noise that I hear coming from another room and the fear that someone has broken something. I will worry for their wellbeing everyday. I will hope that they know how much I love them, and that I have not given up  on them. I will pray for them daily.

What I am taking from this experience is that I need to be ok knowing that I have done all that I could do. I have given all that I was able. Now, I have to hope that the love and stability that my siblings had while they were in my care was enough to get them through any rough times that are ahead. I have to find comfort in the knowledge that I cannot change the behavior of anyone else. I can only control how I react to others. So, I will be here for my siblings when they need me. I will love them unconditionally, and I will be a safe place for them if they need it.

Saying “No”

I recently started a job that has caused many others to become burned out, and I don’t want that to happen to me. So, I have been making sure that I make time for my own self-care. I was given a self-care assessment worksheet from the American Counseling Association.

One area I saw I needed to improve on was “say “no” to extra responsibilities sometimes”. So, for the next two weeks I made a conscious effort to say “no” to extra responsibilities. That is easier said than done!

This made me think about how we change as we grow older. Think about it. When we are first learning to talk, what is one of our favorite words? I would venture to say that, for most young children, it is “no”. At this time in our lives we can say no without feeling any sense of guilt or responsibility. As we get older, we can start to feel responsible for things we have no control over or are not responsible for. Now, I find it very difficult to tell people “no” even when I have other things I was going to do. What changes between that early part of our lives and our early adulthood? I don’t know how we get to this point, but I do know that as we become aware of behaviors that are not healthy, we can change them.

With this new knowledge, I am going to think twice before I take on extra responsibilities. I will determine whether I have the capacity to do what is asked of me, and I won’t sacrifice my own well being.

How have you dealt with this in your life? What can you do to improve?